LIFE LESSONS
Earned Autonomy: The Confluence Of Parenting and Management
Accountability earns control—communication earns freedom
I’ve often wondered. Do parents make better managers? When your second child is born, and none of the parenting tricks from your first kid work on the second, it is humbling—and yet—enlightening. Humans, even those with similar DNA, are intrinsically different. Since we parent each child differently, shouldn’t we manage each employee differently?
The role of a people manager and a parent is really very similar.
In our professional life as managers, we seek to nurture, develop, and ultimately unleash our employees into becoming autonomous high performers who can contribute at their full potential.
In our personal life, as parents we aspire to raise our children with a solid foundation of values and skills, and help launch them into becoming independent, self-driven young adults. (fly little birdie, fly!)
Yet while we might find it easy to empower our employees and give them rope to learn, grow, and make their own mistakes, it is sometimes much more difficult to do the same for our children as they become young adults.
In my experience, our employees and our children both want the same thing: autonomy. But, as a parent, and as a manager, even when we want to cede control, how do we know when to do it?
My 18 year-old, a fresh high school graduate and hungry to begin a more independent life, has systematically, over the past year, rejected anything that remotely resembles input. His desire for autonomy has given him an allergy to advice, ideas, or suggestions of any kind.
He is ready for more independence, yet as a parent I see that he’s not yet experienced on how to go about doing so. It’s a big transition. A couple months ago, I sat down with him, and I shared my views on the difference between “parenting someone” and “being a parent”. One is about unconditional love and support, while the other is much more complex and involves feeling responsible for someone else’s wellbeing — a responsibility that comes with accountability, control, and at times, judgment.
I explained to him that “I’ll always be your parent, but I’m ready to end the chapter of parenting you.” We both are.
His eyes glimmered as he contemplated this maturation in our relationship. Then, I shared the flip side of the same coin. “If you want less parenting, you’ll need to do a lot more adulting.” One is connected to the other. Together, both fuel a virtuous cycle: as he adults more, I parent less. The more things he takes care of himself, the less I feel the need to chase him to make sure things are getting done. This shift happens over time. It’s an evolution, not a revolution.
In the office, the dynamic is essentially identical
As a manager, we make promises to our bosses with commitments to deliver results based on the performance of the teams we lead. As a team leader, we accept accountability for the results of our team, which depends on individual performance, so we steer, manage, and lead our people in this pursuit. Meanwhile, we strive to be a leader who empowers and avoids micro-managing. In other words, we take ownership, while ceding as much control as possible. And accountability without control makes even the most empowering leaders uncomfortable.
Accountability earns control, communication earns freedom
Our best performers earn our trust, and with it, their freedom. The more they deliver without drama, the more autonomy we give them. Employees who are good at being proactive in reporting about what’s going on earn that freedom even faster. When they keep us current on their progress, problems, and plans, our confidence in them grows (they are working on the right stuff, I know how to help them, their priorities are aligned with mine). Employees who struggle to take such accountability and are unable to communicate their progress along the way are met with task lists, check-ins, and much worse.
The principles in shepherding our kids into becoming young adults and steering our employees into productive careers is really very similar.
And yet. This is not to say that we should parent our children like we manage our employees. Not at all. Our coming-of-age children don’t owe us output or reporting or even performance in the way our employees do.
Rather the point is for parents to recognize that their kids deserve the same shot at autonomy we give our employees. And for young adults to understand that when they have mastered the “3 Simple Keys to Success” and are ready for more autonomy (whether at work or at home), what steps they can take.
- Let your parent/boss know “I got this.”
- Proactively report back on how it’s going.
- Make room for others to help and ask for and accept assistance along the way.
Get good at this, and you’ll soon have more rope than you know what to do with.
